Here,s something i wrote today in the car. Just thinking about the times that we really mess up,
Overcome by self
In furisome fits of angry passion
I drop my guard
In my best face
I quit the race
Giving up my first hope
I travel along in darkest loneliness
I feel the rain
Run down my back
Drip off the slack
I turn off the shower
Real rain scarcely comes when desired
I look in the mirror
My naked self
My prison cell
Oh that I could leave
Let my spirit joyously turn and tumble through the breeze
Turning from truth
I clothe my sin
I hide within
I toss and turn
Clumsily searching for meaningless sleep
The ceiling reminds me I am a man
An honest fraud
Desperately in need of God
July 16, 2008
July 14, 2008
Searching
It seems that im always looking for something. When I'm doing something I'm searching for meaning. When I'm with someone I'm searching for apporval. Rather than the overstated question, 'what am I searching for' I pose this...'Why am I searching' For I know that all I need is found in the person of Jesus Christ. Yet here I find myself so concerned so worried that I will never find the 'right' thing I will never find where I am meant to be. I would go as far as to say my search for meaning has consumed who I am completely.
The Truth I'm now beginning to realise is this. To find the meaning, to find the peace, we need simply to stop looking.
In one way we listen so hard we cannot hear. Focus so tight we cannot see. When God is standing with open arms right next to us we are constantly looking for him in the opposite direction. We work and work and find no fruit. We walk and walk and never get where we are going. Have you, have I, have we ever stopped to wonder, 'maybe this is the wrong direction'? Have you and I been thinking one thing while God is desiring another? I know that I have and I end up simply frusturating myseslf. Then I run quickly from the hands of my God, blaming him all the way.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop trying and start falling into the arms of the one who loves you.
No matter how far you run. He is always one step away.
The Truth I'm now beginning to realise is this. To find the meaning, to find the peace, we need simply to stop looking.
In one way we listen so hard we cannot hear. Focus so tight we cannot see. When God is standing with open arms right next to us we are constantly looking for him in the opposite direction. We work and work and find no fruit. We walk and walk and never get where we are going. Have you, have I, have we ever stopped to wonder, 'maybe this is the wrong direction'? Have you and I been thinking one thing while God is desiring another? I know that I have and I end up simply frusturating myseslf. Then I run quickly from the hands of my God, blaming him all the way.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
Stop trying and start falling into the arms of the one who loves you.
No matter how far you run. He is always one step away.
July 13, 2008
Peace
This week, i am reminded of the one I love. You see its been a very tough year. There have been great let downs and great trials. For most of the time I have taken the easy way out. Following the world and its ways. Seeking out goals of selfish gain and finding happiness in a numbness to reality. I finally decided that I couldn't follow God. How could I? He didn't care. Why else would everything come down all at once. He reminded me though...
The sea was often prone to storms but none like this one. Peter had grown his whole life out on the water. Fishing with his father and older brothers. He had always been a dare devil leaning far out off the bow and standing in the rigging during rough weather. It was something about the wind in his hair or the spray on His face, something in the air or something beyond that. He just loved being on the edge. Not long ago though he had done the craziest thing imaginable.
He had been working on the shore with his nets. He loved those days, the sun shone down through a clear blue sky, the gulls cried there song over head. Laughing children would run through the maze of boats and fish merchants. It was familiar and relaxing...it was home. So with the sun beating on his face and the sound of some local musicians practicing somewhere close he set himself to his nets. Carefully weaving through the holes, or war trophies as his father called them.
"holes in your net is a sign of a good season son, so mend them thankfully" he would say.
So peter would work, hardly paying attention to the world around him. He probably wouldn't have noticed the stranger in the market if it wasn't for the incredible commotion. There were those yelling, 'Teacher, teacher' and some crying 'Rabbi heal me' and quite a crowd was following the man. Peter wondered what a man like this would be doing here, thought nothing more of it and returned to his work. As the sun was setting he and his brother cast out for another night of fishing. It was as beautiful as it could be over the sea and peter was filled with energy to get out on the water. He had gotten his first net when he heard some one calling from shore. He could barely make out the figure of the man but he knew at once it was the stranger from earlier. The crowd was still surrounding him then He really heard the voice like none other. A voice within him and without him. The man called,
"come fllow me."
Something came over him and he didn't think twice about it. He grabbed the rudder and turned the boat around. Glancing at his brother, andrew, he knew that he too felt the same way.
Now the storm raged around them. Great shadows of waves grew around them and fearsome peals of lightining struck all around. Waves would crash on the boat leaving the whole deck in a foam of white water. Not sinking yet not breathing, one could only wait for the sea to subside. Once before, Jesus had calmed a storm like this one, but Jesus was no where to be found today. Peter looked around the boat for reassurance. There was matthew, a tax collector and definitely no use on a boat, currently wretching on all fours. There was simon the zealot who had once boasted of spitting in the face of a roman soldier... Well he wasn't so brave now as he huddled in the corner shaking at every crack of thunder. James and John had there hands full with the oars, rowing into an uncanny wind and andrew sat, white knuckled fingers glued firmly to the rudder. Peter had never seen Him look so concerned.
"What is the matter Andrew?" Peter yelled over the roar of the sea.
"You remember brother," andrew replied "of the tales are grandmother used to tell us about the sea...of the spirits of drowned fishermen who came up from there watery graves to play in the storms"
"I remember Andrew, but those were childrens stories you need not worry."
"Then tell me brother, why is that there is a light like lightning, just that way, which never fails to lose its light?"
Peter looked off the port bow and sure enough there was a glow as bright as lightning yet it did not fade nor flash like lightning would and it got steadily nearer. Peter finally felt some part of his wild spirit break from. He had a falling feeling inside his gut. What was this light that seemed to be coming near. He wiped the water from his face. How he wished that Jesus was here.
"It's a man, walking on the water!" Yelled john as he let go of his oar, briefly leaving his brother to handle the wild boat.
"It's a spirit come to take us to our watery grave!" screeched simon bursting into tears.
"God have mercy." Matthew said, briefly looking up from his growing pool of vomit.
Peter had no idea what to do the...thing got closer its briliance was astounding one could barely look at it but ublike the sun the light did not so much come from the thing yet the light was on the thing. It came closer and closer walking along the water as if on a stroll after a large meal. Yet as it came closer peter got the sense that this was not an evil spirit.
"Do not be afraid for it is I." It called.
Immediately peter felt relief come over him. The voice which had always penetrated his very being. That voice that he so longed for was there. He was so excited
He called, "Lord I am coming out to!"
He swung himself over the side and began to walk across the water as Jesus had but then a huge wave came crashing alongside the boat, in fact if the boat was not there it would have surely swepped peter away and as he thought that he fell into the water and panicked.
"LORD SAVE ME!" He cried out desperately.
Then he felt the hand. The strong warm hand. The hand that was calloused from years of hard labour that hand that would later be pierced for the sin over the world. Jesus pulled him out of the water and carried him to the boat. Jesus set peter down and looked him in the eye.
"Peter, you of little faith...why did you doubt?" Peter looked up at Jesus so glad to see him but so ashamed that he could not stay on top of the water. But at the moment the storm died down and the sea smoothed out. There was Peace.
That was peters story and that was mine. may God be praised in all things.
"You have been my king of glory, wont you be my prince of peace"
-Rich Mullins
The sea was often prone to storms but none like this one. Peter had grown his whole life out on the water. Fishing with his father and older brothers. He had always been a dare devil leaning far out off the bow and standing in the rigging during rough weather. It was something about the wind in his hair or the spray on His face, something in the air or something beyond that. He just loved being on the edge. Not long ago though he had done the craziest thing imaginable.
He had been working on the shore with his nets. He loved those days, the sun shone down through a clear blue sky, the gulls cried there song over head. Laughing children would run through the maze of boats and fish merchants. It was familiar and relaxing...it was home. So with the sun beating on his face and the sound of some local musicians practicing somewhere close he set himself to his nets. Carefully weaving through the holes, or war trophies as his father called them.
"holes in your net is a sign of a good season son, so mend them thankfully" he would say.
So peter would work, hardly paying attention to the world around him. He probably wouldn't have noticed the stranger in the market if it wasn't for the incredible commotion. There were those yelling, 'Teacher, teacher' and some crying 'Rabbi heal me' and quite a crowd was following the man. Peter wondered what a man like this would be doing here, thought nothing more of it and returned to his work. As the sun was setting he and his brother cast out for another night of fishing. It was as beautiful as it could be over the sea and peter was filled with energy to get out on the water. He had gotten his first net when he heard some one calling from shore. He could barely make out the figure of the man but he knew at once it was the stranger from earlier. The crowd was still surrounding him then He really heard the voice like none other. A voice within him and without him. The man called,
"come fllow me."
Something came over him and he didn't think twice about it. He grabbed the rudder and turned the boat around. Glancing at his brother, andrew, he knew that he too felt the same way.
Now the storm raged around them. Great shadows of waves grew around them and fearsome peals of lightining struck all around. Waves would crash on the boat leaving the whole deck in a foam of white water. Not sinking yet not breathing, one could only wait for the sea to subside. Once before, Jesus had calmed a storm like this one, but Jesus was no where to be found today. Peter looked around the boat for reassurance. There was matthew, a tax collector and definitely no use on a boat, currently wretching on all fours. There was simon the zealot who had once boasted of spitting in the face of a roman soldier... Well he wasn't so brave now as he huddled in the corner shaking at every crack of thunder. James and John had there hands full with the oars, rowing into an uncanny wind and andrew sat, white knuckled fingers glued firmly to the rudder. Peter had never seen Him look so concerned.
"What is the matter Andrew?" Peter yelled over the roar of the sea.
"You remember brother," andrew replied "of the tales are grandmother used to tell us about the sea...of the spirits of drowned fishermen who came up from there watery graves to play in the storms"
"I remember Andrew, but those were childrens stories you need not worry."
"Then tell me brother, why is that there is a light like lightning, just that way, which never fails to lose its light?"
Peter looked off the port bow and sure enough there was a glow as bright as lightning yet it did not fade nor flash like lightning would and it got steadily nearer. Peter finally felt some part of his wild spirit break from. He had a falling feeling inside his gut. What was this light that seemed to be coming near. He wiped the water from his face. How he wished that Jesus was here.
"It's a man, walking on the water!" Yelled john as he let go of his oar, briefly leaving his brother to handle the wild boat.
"It's a spirit come to take us to our watery grave!" screeched simon bursting into tears.
"God have mercy." Matthew said, briefly looking up from his growing pool of vomit.
Peter had no idea what to do the...thing got closer its briliance was astounding one could barely look at it but ublike the sun the light did not so much come from the thing yet the light was on the thing. It came closer and closer walking along the water as if on a stroll after a large meal. Yet as it came closer peter got the sense that this was not an evil spirit.
"Do not be afraid for it is I." It called.
Immediately peter felt relief come over him. The voice which had always penetrated his very being. That voice that he so longed for was there. He was so excited
He called, "Lord I am coming out to!"
He swung himself over the side and began to walk across the water as Jesus had but then a huge wave came crashing alongside the boat, in fact if the boat was not there it would have surely swepped peter away and as he thought that he fell into the water and panicked.
"LORD SAVE ME!" He cried out desperately.
Then he felt the hand. The strong warm hand. The hand that was calloused from years of hard labour that hand that would later be pierced for the sin over the world. Jesus pulled him out of the water and carried him to the boat. Jesus set peter down and looked him in the eye.
"Peter, you of little faith...why did you doubt?" Peter looked up at Jesus so glad to see him but so ashamed that he could not stay on top of the water. But at the moment the storm died down and the sea smoothed out. There was Peace.
That was peters story and that was mine. may God be praised in all things.
"You have been my king of glory, wont you be my prince of peace"
-Rich Mullins
March 31, 2008
Hiding Place
"You are my hiding place, you protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance" -Psalm 32:7
A rushing river a great force flowing through time, with the power to destroy and to create. A living breathing entity with which we battle daily is the world. So intense with emotion so racked with pain and suffering. What a confusing place. But in the midst of darkness, in the midst of chaos, in the midst of pain, a song is sung. A song that speaks of love never ending a song that awakes the soul offering new life offering hope. Ripping the overwhelming stench of death from our bodies and restoring what once was. A song of redemption, a song of peace a song of deliverance.
A rushing river a great force flowing through time, with the power to destroy and to create. A living breathing entity with which we battle daily is the world. So intense with emotion so racked with pain and suffering. What a confusing place. But in the midst of darkness, in the midst of chaos, in the midst of pain, a song is sung. A song that speaks of love never ending a song that awakes the soul offering new life offering hope. Ripping the overwhelming stench of death from our bodies and restoring what once was. A song of redemption, a song of peace a song of deliverance.
March 30, 2008
Amazing Love
Written 23/OCT/05
Sometimes...I sit down and ponder life. I wonder about the relevance of different things in my life and I wonder how they relate. So much happens that we do not see it. It slips past us, unrecognized by our overfocused minds. You see alot comes our way with God we just need to stop and try to look from His perspective.
And sometimes...I sit and look at the cliffs right behind my house and the animals I see there. The large ones the small ones. Each one represents a thought, a thought from the mind of the Creator.
And other times...I think about love. Sure, like anyone else I think of the love of a woman-who does not desire nuptial bliss-,but there is a love that surpasses it. I see it, when I screw up. When I step out of line. I have felt it in the hug of a friend, unaware that he was passing on such deep a love. There is such amazing love it makes blind see, deaf here, it even makes grown men cry. I have wept in this loves arms and I have shared joy unspeakable. A love that only God can give, for He is love.
"Amazing love how can it be, That you my king would die for me"
The Long Way Home
Written 30/Nov/05
The world is so real lately. The cold is settling deeper than my bones down to my very heart. I am unsettled in my soul. I know not rest, nor do I remember times of great joy. Life takes its toll, the world shows it's true colors. The places of my childhood, that bore such magic and joy, are now run down and dirty with evil men lurking in the shadows. Friends leave, lives change, for better or for worse, yet they change away from me. A beautiful day is one I will not remember. The sky is blue, but I don't notice. The birds sing, but all I hear is noise. The love of a friend, a relative, someone who loves you, feels fake and impersonal. My own self, which was once innocent and pure, is now corrupt and evil. I must chain up my heart to keep it from leading me to the pit from which I emerged.
I am forced to rely on His hope, yet I sin relentlessly. He holds out His hand and I turn away. "I can do this on my own!" He lets me go, a tear down his cheek. "Go where it is cold and lonely, go where there is not love, go where the light of day cannot pierce through the darkness over your soul, go away from My presence, but make sure you are doing what you want to."
"Hello?...where is everyone? Why is everyone hiding?...God? Where did you go?" Silence. "God, why'd you leave me here?" I look behind me. I see where I came, I, came. He let me go..."How could you let me go? How could you do this to me." Wait...I feel something someone’s here. I look down. At my feet is a man starving and in tattered clothes, he is putting chains on my feet. I am startled and I look down again. "What do you think your doing?" The man gets up, looks at me, and spits in my face. I am shocked at his greeting, but as I look into this mans I eyes, I start to recognize him...It's me! "Oh God what have I done, Oh lord how could I do this?" The man looks at me and laughs. We are out beyond earshot of the world. There is no hope.
"God, please help me. Jesus Christ, I need you, I want to be with you. Take me home...please!" Nothing happens a dry wind blows through, but then silence. There was no hope, God himself had given up on me. I had walked so far away He couldn't even hear me. I collapsed to the ground. As the man who was me ran up and began to place chains on my hands, then my neck, and then he reached in and started chaining my heart. I couldn't do anything to help it all of the sudden a terrible flash of light came. I felt worse than I ever had felt before. I thought I had known what it was to be an outcast, but in that light I couldn't stand. I stopped breathing...I knew it wasn't going to be long until I finished. I fell to the ground writhing in pain. My heart stopped, the world became a blur and then disappeared.
For a moment their was nothing and I was more afraid and alone than ever before, but then I felt that childish feeling when you wake up before the sun to run and open your presents on Christmas morning. Their was a joy I had never felt overwhelming my soul. I ran out of the darkness into a new light. Could it be? Was I with God? "Matthew!" I looked behind me and saw a most unlikely picture. Their was an old man, he had love all about him, but the pains of the world were upon His shoulders it was only a moment that I could see that he had just done something drastic, but then He stood upright and opened His arms. I ran to Him and He embraced me. In that moment I could spend eternity and for the hope of that moment I live on.
New Beginnings
God is sooo good and so great to give us second life. New birth in a world where we are constantly surrounded by death. Constantly surrounded by decay. Even the church a congregation of rotting corpses. Life, life, life is what its all about. The time to wake up is now and I realise that more than any other time. I realise that now is the hour to rise up and step into what God has for me. For his plans are greater than my dreams!
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