The Long Way Home

Written 30/Nov/05

The world is so real lately. The cold is settling deeper than my bones down to my very heart. I am unsettled in my soul. I know not rest, nor do I remember times of great joy. Life takes its toll, the world shows it's true colors. The places of my childhood, that bore such magic and joy, are now run down and dirty with evil men lurking in the shadows. Friends leave, lives change, for better or for worse, yet they change away from me. A beautiful day is one I will not remember. The sky is blue, but I don't notice. The birds sing, but all I hear is noise. The love of a friend, a relative, someone who loves you, feels fake and impersonal. My own self, which was once innocent and pure, is now corrupt and evil. I must chain up my heart to keep it from leading me to the pit from which I emerged.

I am forced to rely on His hope, yet I sin relentlessly. He holds out His hand and I turn away. "I can do this on my own!" He lets me go, a tear down his cheek. "Go where it is cold and lonely, go where there is not love, go where the light of day cannot pierce through the darkness over your soul, go away from My presence, but make sure you are doing what you want to."

"Hello?...where is everyone? Why is everyone hiding?...God? Where did you go?" Silence. "God, why'd you leave me here?" I look behind me. I see where I came, I, came. He let me go..."How could you let me go? How could you do this to me." Wait...I feel something someone’s here. I look down. At my feet is a man starving and in tattered clothes, he is putting chains on my feet. I am startled and I look down again. "What do you think your doing?" The man gets up, looks at me, and spits in my face. I am shocked at his greeting, but as I look into this mans I eyes, I start to recognize him...It's me! "Oh God what have I done, Oh lord how could I do this?" The man looks at me and laughs. We are out beyond earshot of the world. There is no hope.

"God, please help me. Jesus Christ, I need you, I want to be with you. Take me home...please!" Nothing happens a dry wind blows through, but then silence. There was no hope, God himself had given up on me. I had walked so far away He couldn't even hear me. I collapsed to the ground. As the man who was me ran up and began to place chains on my hands, then my neck, and then he reached in and started chaining my heart. I couldn't do anything to help it all of the sudden a terrible flash of light came. I felt worse than I ever had felt before. I thought I had known what it was to be an outcast, but in that light I couldn't stand. I stopped breathing...I knew it wasn't going to be long until I finished. I fell to the ground writhing in pain. My heart stopped, the world became a blur and then disappeared.

For a moment their was nothing and I was more afraid and alone than ever before, but then I felt that childish feeling when you wake up before the sun to run and open your presents on Christmas morning. Their was a joy I had never felt overwhelming my soul. I ran out of the darkness into a new light. Could it be? Was I with God? "Matthew!" I looked behind me and saw a most unlikely picture. Their was an old man, he had love all about him, but the pains of the world were upon His shoulders it was only a moment that I could see that he had just done something drastic, but then He stood upright and opened His arms. I ran to Him and He embraced me. In that moment I could spend eternity and for the hope of that moment I live on.